Purge or Cull?

Warning: All images on this page are of clothes that are no longer with us.

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The Post Office in our area has recently provided the posties with electric vehicles similar to a golf cart, previously they could be seen delivering the mail on bicycles in all kinds of weather.  On the way to dropping my wife at work the other day I mentioned in passing that the previous day the postie had come to the door to deliver the mail proudly parking her new cart in the driveway.

My wife’s immediate response was “what have you been buying now?”.

To explain my wife’s strange response you need to know that, our postie only comes to the door when she has a small package to deliver and most of the packages that arrive at our house are for Trixy.  My wife is fully supportive of Trixy but she does like to keep a tight rein on Trixy’s clothing budget (I have a fixed amount to spend each year) so I expected to receive a telling off for  spending more money. To my surprise she said that I needed to curtail my Trixy purchases because we were running out of space to store them.

Whilst unexpected my wife’s comment was very true, over the years Trixy’s clothes have migrated from our shared wardrobe to the wardrobe in a spare bedroom which is almost full. My wife’s comment got me thinking and on returning home I emptied the entire contents of Trixy’s wardrobe onto the spare bed (thankfully it is a large double) and proceeded to review each item deciding what would stay and what would go to the local Hospice charity shop.

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This dress was so tight it took 20 minutes to get it on. CULLED

Unlike on previous occasions when Trixy’s clothes have been thrown out this was a cull rather than a purge. Girls we have all been thought the cycle of guilt driven purges when we have tried to deny the feminine side of our personalities by purging all of our girly clothes. My purges stopped with the discovery of the internet and finding that I was not alone in wanting to dress in girl’s clothes and was able to leave behind the guilty feelings.

With all the various dresses, skirts, blouses etc laid out on the bed I had to choose what was to go. Some of the decisions were very easy as they fell into the “What was I thinking” category others where not, but I had to be strong and after much dithering and a few tears (we had been together a long time LOL) I finally had enough clothes to fill a large tightly packed bin bag and more importantly significantly more room in the wardrobe.

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Every one departed Sob

 

To prevent any backsliding, I immediately loaded the heavy bag into the car along with a box of my wife’s stuff that she had been nagging me for weeks to take away and delivered them to the hospice shop.  I am not sure what they thought when the opened my bag of clothes but I hope they judged me kindly.  The shop has an extensive window display and as I pass by each day I look to see if any of my clothes have made it into the window, now wouldn’t that be nice LOL

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A final farewell to a skirt well loved

Hugs Trixy

Is that really me?

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I have recently spent some time viewing and editing videos from my various dressing sessions. I hate the way that I walk so I edit out the parts where I approach the camera to turn it off, the sight of me marching along would turn anyone off. I like my rear view so to speak but I hate when I am turning around from front to back and catch sight of myself  side on UGH, as for the voice.

I was a silent movie star for years as anyone who has seen my early videos on YouTube will attest to. I have found my voice in the last year or so, it varies between an effeminate male and a gruff builder. I have recently decided to just speak softly using my normal voice not sure, if it works but hey I don’t have to fool anyone in real life as I am still in the closet as far as public appearances go.

Well after a few hours of editing I became aware that I was no longer seeing the person in the video as myself but as someone else, a woman (I wanted to say girl but I think that I am beyond that now). This realisation was a little unnerving such that I had to stop what I was doing and just stare at the screen.  Obviously, I knew that the woman on the screen was me but at that point in time I could only see a woman and could see nothing of the male me in those images, it was quite a shock.

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I have always considered myself   to be a male heterosexual crossdresser, to quote Grayson Perry “I am just a man in a dress”. I have never thought of myself as a girl in a boy’s body so this sudden disconnect between the male and female parts of me was a little confusing, I originally typed disturbing here and am still a little conflicted as to which word best described my feelings at that time.

There is a saying that pops up on social media from time to time, “what’s the difference between crossdressing and transgender about two years.” I consider this and other similar sayings or memes if you will as just meaningless words but the disconnected experience of the other day has left me feeling a little unbalanced and the confused feelings of my youth have resurfaced but without the guilt.

I have never really thought about becoming a woman full time, yes, I would love to spend more time as Trixy and venture out into the big wide world but living 24/7 as a woman?. Perhaps this is the big question I am too scared to ask myself, the reason why seeing images of myself not as a man dressed as a woman but just as a woman has unbalanced me so much.

Hugs Trixy

How we suffer for Our Art

The Tape Tuck

I recently purchased a Black PVC cat suit (fantasy alert), I have previously owned a couple of catsuits but they disappeared in an ancient purge.  Many years have passed since I last wore a catsuit and let’s say I am not as ripped as I used to be, (confession, I was never ripped just a bit thinner than I am now) so I was a little worried that I would look like the Michelin man. My other worry was the tightness in the groin area and the tuck or not to tuck conundrum.

Over the years I have controlled (or not) the unsightly bulge using a variety of methods, gaffs tight undies etc, but have rarely resorted to the “tape tuck”.

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No tape used here 

I was never brave enough to apply gaffer tape to my neither regions on a regular basis, my rare attempts resulted in pain and discomfort mainly because I had not shaved down there.  l decided that if I were to do this new catsuit justice I should smooth out the bulge in the best way possible.  So it was that, after intense research on YouTube, I denuded my nether regions bought some gaffer tape (well masking tape actually, as I am still a bit wary of applying very sticky gaffer tape down there.) and attempted the “tape tuck”.

I tried the “tape tuck” a couple of times with reasonable results, it was a little uncomfortable but I think I achieved the required look. Buoyed by this limited success I decided that today was the day to model the new cat suit. After a quick review of the YouTube training videos, I proceeded to perform the “Tape tuck” and was very pleased with the results (ref pictures on this page). As I had completed the tuck at the start of the session I still had to apply makeup, strap on the old corset, attach boobs etc, which as we all know takes a bit of time, during which something must have moved down there.

My studio/office is on the first floor and  as I slowly climbed the stairs, in my heels, I notice a dull ache emanating from my left testicle.   While setting up the camera, with the pain slowly increasing, I suddenly developed a tickle in my throat. The first cough resulted in a sharp excruciating pain in my aforementioned naughty bit and all this before I had taken a single picture. I quickly realised that this would be a short and not so sweet photo shoot. I set the camera to auto shoot and tried to look gorgeous with the increasing pain in my groin.

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Well as most of you will know, trying to stifle a small cough usually results in larger and more frequent ones, the ensuing coughing fit was accompanied by sharp pains emanating from my tortured left testicle.Four more quick pics (one of which caught me mid wince) and the photo-shoot was over.  I will not go into detail of how quickly and inelegantly I de-tucked, I did retain sufficient control to ensure that no skin was lost in the process and the feeling of relief was simply orgasmic (not really orgasmic but the lack of pain was blissful).

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In conclusion, we girls will continue to be faced with the “to tuck or not to tuck” dilemma, after this experience I will be wary of the tape tuck but I do love to wear tight dresses and skirts so I must continue to pursue the perfect tuck, tape or otherwise.

 

 

 

 

 

Phew what a day

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This is an amusing story that I first put on my Flickr profile in 2013 when dressing opportunities were limited.

Saturday has become Trixy’s day it’s the only day when all the members of my family still living at home will be out. My wife and eldest son will be at work. Middle son spends the afternoon and evening in town playing magic cards and my youngest son is either working or playing rugby.

So today is Saturday and I thought that Trixy might come out to play. Unfortunately, the rugby season is over and no work today for number three son so he will be hanging around the house all day.

On returning home after dropping number one son at work I was surprised to find an empty house. A quick phone call established that number three son was out shopping and given his usual habits Trixy would have a couple of hours to play.

Still wary of the exact location of number three son I dressed first and left my makeup until the end which is the opposite my usually practice. This was so to ensure that should number three son return unexpectedly I would only have to remove cloths not make up. When I was fully dressed I decided that it was safe to do my makeup and Trixy appeared in all her glory.

I set up the camera in the usual studio area and had only taken 2 pictures when to my horror I heard the duff, duff of a car sound system coming down the driveway, number three son was home. To say that I panicked was an understatement, I rushed into the relative safety of our bedroom.  I say relative safety because our bedroom door does not have a lock. My wife and I have never locked our bedroom door so it is a bit of a freeway and our kids come and go as they please. I sought further refuge in our walk-in wardrobe which only has a thick curtain not a door (it has doors now) but this was better than standing in the middle of our bedroom should my son walk in.

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I stood there in the dark pondering what to do next, I keep an emergency kit in the bedroom consisting of a flannel, make up remover etc just for occasions such as this, all I needed was for my son not to come into the bedroom looking for me.  As I stood there another thought entered my head, why not just go out and introduce my son to Trixy. My wife and I have long suspected that number three son has experimented with woman’s cloths or at least underwear. One of my nylon full slips went missing from my wife’s wardrobe and we suspected it was number three son. My wife and I had a quiet giggle at the thought that out son believing he was pilfering his mother’s underwear was in fact stealing it from his father.

All these thoughts were running through my head as I stood in the dark, I decided against the big Trixy entrance mainly because the pact that my wife and I have regarding Trixy is based upon the kids not knowing about Trixy.  I had also agreed that I would not talk to number three son about Trixy unless he raised the subject of cross dressing.

Decision made I frantically started removing my clothes (have you tried to unlace a corset in the dark).  I was down to my undies and stockings when I heard the chinking of beer bottles, the sound of front door opening and closing and the roar of my son’s car driving away.

Phew be still my beating heart, the whole situation had lasted no more than five minutes but my poor heart was pounding. There was a very large upside I now knew where number three son would be for the rest of the afternoon and Trixy could look forward to some stress-free quality time.

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Kids !!!

 

This is a story from last year but it made me laugh at the time and perhaps you also might find it amusing.

My eldest son is coming home to live for six months so that he and his girl, friend can save for a deposit on a house. While over the other day he was scouting out which of the spare bedrooms would best suit his needs.  One of the bedrooms contains the built in wardrobe that is bursting at the seams with my wife’s and Trixy’s clothes but mostly Trixy’s

My son later commented to my wife, that I bet you never wear any of the clothes in the wardrobe after all they look like they are from the eighties.

The eighties how dare he talk about my clothes like that

My wife and I had a little giggle that night as he had no idea who’s clothes he was commenting on.

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This story does raise an important issue for us gurls, should the children be told about our feminine persona. As I have no wish to live full time as a girl or transition I don’t see the need for them to know. I love my time as Trixy but it can be a little lonely at times being on my own. There have been occasions when Trixy has come close to being discovered by one or more of my children, there are 5 of them so the odds are quite high. There have been other times when I  was  hoping to be discovered especially when I thought that I looked quite hot at the time.

My biggest fear is being caught in mid-transition from girl to boy, that time when the support structure is coming down and you are starting to look like a man in a dress (or bra and nickers with a fat belly) instead of the gorgeous girl you were just a short time before.

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My children do not know about Trixy not officially anyway but I do think my youngest 3 sons sort of know. Some years ago, I spent a period working overseas on my own, it was when Trixy was starting her journey. Living on my own I was able to dress at will and had even started to take some pictures. My sons came to visit during the school holidays and I underestimated their computer literacy (they were 9 10 and 11 at the time). I did take some precautions with my computer and thought that I had hidden the pictures but the little buggers found some of them.  I did not know about this at the time but the odd comment over the years has convinced me that they have seen pictures of me as Trixy.

I am sure that if my boys ever found out about Trixy it would be one of those, we always knew Dad moments.  I am not sure about my daughter thought she is the eldest and a bit of a prude.

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The boys are good a keeping secrets though as illustrated a couple of years ago when one of our sons came out. His elder brother had caught him  pashing one of his school mates, (they were about 16 years old at the time) and he kept it a secret for nearly 10 years.

Speaking as a straight crossdresser, the decision to tell friends and family is a big step but we must be aware of what affect it can have on them. We have to be careful not to be selfish and put our need to tell someone over their ability to understand who we are.

I don’t see that my family, other than my wife, need to know about Trixy and cannot see a time when I would be comfortable around them in Trixy mode.

Where do these crazy ideas come from?

While dressing today an idea just popped into my head that it might look good if I dressed as a girl in one of my old suits  Not sure what inspired me but it could be a silly illustration of the current infatuation with gender issues. What could be more gender fluid than a man dressing as a girl dressing as a man, confused?.

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Watch Video here

The double cross-dressing idea is not the only crazy  one that has come to me in recent weeks.  The other day while pottering around E-bay I found  an auction for a lovely pair of harem/belly dancing pants. I entered a silly low bid, as you do, and thought no more about it until a couple of hours before the end of the auction when an email reminded me that I was still winning the auction.

Well the realisation that I might soon be the proud owner of a lovely pair of harem pants triggered another crazy idea or more precisely  a series of crazy ideas.  Realising that if I did win  the auction nothing in my wardrobe would match the gorgeous pants. Frantically I scoured E-Bay for all the separate items that make up a full belly dancing outfit (they were remarkable easy to find).  I loaded them into my shopping cart and waited for the auction to end, I was beginning get excited about winning and win I did.

I immediately placed orders for a matching veil headdress, bra top, hip scarf, ankle/wrist bracelets and a lovely gold pair of belly dancing shoes,   I am soon being the owner of a gorgeous belly dance outfit (pics to come).

Now on the surface my belly dancing purchases might appear to be an impulse purchase but in reality, I have fantasied for years about becoming a hareem girl so this apparent impulse buy was just making a fantasy come true.

As I have become increasingly comfortable with my femininity I find I am able to play out an increasing number of my long-time fantasies.  I was a French maid very early in my feminine journey (I still am from time to time) and on-line shopping is a great enabler when it comes to finding fantasy outfits.

So were the hell do the crazy ideas come from, I don’t know or care and only hope that they keep coming as they are so much fun.

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My Name is Trixy Deans and I am a crossdresser.

Well this blog is about me or to be more precise the feminine side of me who goes by the name of Trixy Deans. Why Trixy Deans you might ask, well at the time that I was starting my online presence I obviously needed a feminine name, Trixy Deans just popped into my head (more about things popping into my head later) it reminded me of Dixie deans who was an old Everton footballer which is strange in itself as I am a Manchester United fan.   Well as my online presence has grown over the years it has become more difficult to change the name so I am stuck with it.

So anyway, my name is Trixy Deans and I am a crossdresser.

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A recent picture

It all began at the tender age of 9  the first item of feminine attire that I wore was my sisters black swimming costume she was 11 at the time. As the years passed I graduated to my sister’s and mother’s underwear I only dressed in panties, slips and pantyhose, I suffered from the usual guilty feelings after each session, and no matter how many times I told myself never again, I always would return to my sisters or mother underwear draw with their treasure trove of silky delights.

On leaving school I moved to London to work for the world’s favourite Airline as an engineering apprentice,  so my dressing came to an abrupt halt as I was cut off from my supply of underwear.

For the next 17 years my dressing sessions were limited to the wearing my girlfriends and eventually my wife’s underwear in secret.

My first wife passed away at an early age from breast cancer and I was a young father with two young children. I met and fell in love with a girl who was 10 years my junior, and we eventual married. At the start of our relationship I confessed to her my desire to dress as a woman. She was shocked at first but has been supportive ever since. The only rules that she has put in place are  not in front of the children (we had three more) and never in public, that was 30 years ago this year.

Well my dressing progressed sporadically over the years but really flourished when I spend a couple of years living and working apart from my family. I lived alone in a small flat so was able to dress at will. It was during this period that I stared to accumulate my own cloths and first experimented with make-up and wigs. It was also at this time that I realised that I wanted to look as feminine as possible and that looking like a bloke in a dress was no longer enough.

Well the family and I were eventually reunited so my dressing opportunities were limited once again. This situation continued for a few years until once again I was living and working apart from my family. During the next 3 years my dressing really took off and I acquired a large wardrobe and honed my makeup skills.

Once again, I was back living with my family and have never worked away from them since. With the kids at home dressing opportunities were again limited. This situation continued for the next 8 years. Things changed for the better when I was able to work a couple of days a week from home which meant that I was finally alone in an empty house so my dressing opportunities flourished once again.  I still had to be aware of when the kids, still living at home, would be coming home from work or college. There was an element of surprise in their return times which led to a few close calls (more of that in later posts.)

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A picture from 2014 the start of my final journey

So, since 2013 I am able to dress almost at will and with the advent of online shopping I have built up a large and varied wardrobe. I still consider myself to be a football loving golf playing man who likes to become a girly girl every now and then. I remember having a conversation with my wife in the car around the time of the Caitlin Jenner story and I told here don’t worry dear I don’t want to do a Caitlin.

Well that enough for now