I have recently spent some time viewing and editing videos from my various dressing sessions. I hate the way that I walk so I edit out the parts where I approach the camera to turn it off, the sight of me marching along would turn anyone off. I like my rear view so to speak but I hate when I am turning around from front to back and catch sight of myself side on UGH, as for the voice.
I was a silent movie star for years as anyone who has seen my early videos on YouTube will attest to. I have found my voice in the last year or so, it varies between an effeminate male and a gruff builder. I have recently decided to just speak softly using my normal voice not sure, if it works but hey I don’t have to fool anyone in real life as I am still in the closet as far as public appearances go.
Well after a few hours of editing I became aware that I was no longer seeing the person in the video as myself but as someone else, a woman (I wanted to say girl but I think that I am beyond that now). This realisation was a little unnerving such that I had to stop what I was doing and just stare at the screen. Obviously, I knew that the woman on the screen was me but at that point in time I could only see a woman and could see nothing of the male me in those images, it was quite a shock.
I have always considered myself to be a male heterosexual crossdresser, to quote Grayson Perry “I am just a man in a dress”. I have never thought of myself as a girl in a boy’s body so this sudden disconnect between the male and female parts of me was a little confusing, I originally typed disturbing here and am still a little conflicted as to which word best described my feelings at that time.
There is a saying that pops up on social media from time to time, “what’s the difference between crossdressing and transgender about two years.” I consider this and other similar sayings or memes if you will as just meaningless words but the disconnected experience of the other day has left me feeling a little unbalanced and the confused feelings of my youth have resurfaced but without the guilt.
I have never really thought about becoming a woman full time, yes, I would love to spend more time as Trixy and venture out into the big wide world but living 24/7 as a woman?. Perhaps this is the big question I am too scared to ask myself, the reason why seeing images of myself not as a man dressed as a woman but just as a woman has unbalanced me so much.